Lidia Yuknavitch’s Weblog

the body of the word

old men on old men

ok so ORDINARILY i think cafferty is a GAS BAG, but this thing he said about j.m. cracked me up — i actually spit my coffee out into the air…

“John McCain graduated 894th in a class of 899 at the Naval Academy at Annapolis. His father and grandfather were four star admirals in the Navy. Some have suggested that might have played a role in McCain being admitted. His academic record was awful. And it shows over and over again whenever McCain is called upon to think on his feet.

He no longer allows reporters unfettered access to him aboard the “Straight Talk Express” for a reason. He simply makes too many mistakes. Unless he’s reciting talking points or reading from notes or a TelePrompTer, John McCain is lost. He can drop bon mots at a bowling alley or diner — short glib responses that get a chuckle, but beyond that McCain gets in over his head very quickly.

I am sick and tired of the president of the United States embarrassing me. The world we live in is too complex to entrust it to someone else whose idea of intellectual curiosity and grasp of foreign policy issues is to tell us he can look into Vladimir Putin’s eyes and see into his soul.

George Bush’s record as a student, military man, businessman and leader of the free world is one of constant failure. And the part that troubles me most is he seems content with himself.

He will leave office with the country $10 trillion in debt, fighting two wars, our international reputation in shambles, our government cloaked in secrecy and suspicion that his entire presidency has been a litany of broken laws and promises, our citizens’ faith in our own country ripped to shreds. Yet Bush goes bumbling along, grinning and spewing moronic one-liners, as though nobody understands what a colossal failure he has been.

I fear to the depth of my being that John McCain is just like him.”

August 19, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

hey russia: fuck you. love lidia

ok so YES i know the U.S — meaning “us” — should keep its fucking trap shut when it comes to discussions of, i don’t know, say, INVADING OTHER COUNTRIES to secure REGIME CHANGE, KILLING CIVILIANS, and partying down at the olympics when people are DYING as direct results of our policies and actions, and YES i know the georgians took some fairly outrageous provocations steps no doubt banking on both russia’s response but also the international community’s attention, but still. yo. russia. bite my twat.

i had relatives in lithuania who spent wonderful years in siberia.

love lidia

August 12, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | 4 Comments

how it feels to write query letters for your first novel

bud light and cuervo girls

1. LOOK AT MY TITS!! they EXPLODE BEER!!

2. isn’t my ass shiny?

3. um, my first interview for an academic job was in a hotel room where i had to talk to four male intellectuals while seated on a bed. we’ve moved past that, right? i don’t have to sit on a bed and self narrate?

4. i’m a little teapot short and stout.

5. because if you don’t pick me i’ll suck out your eyeballs and shit them back out into your skull.

6. hello, my name is lidia yuknavitch. isn’t that enthnic sounding?

7. please please please with sugar on top and a cherry.

8. i own a baretta.

9. what do you mean i’m too old for this game? my twat has more experience than your career.

10. i promise to devote myself to you as my lord and personal savior, whoever you are, wherever you are, no matter what your moral compass looks like. after all, i come from a country that has fuckwhacked itself politically worldwide, and i have blond hair, big titties, blue eyes, and better skin than brittny, paris, jessica, scarlett, or angelina. amen.

August 11, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

the politics of the marriage bed

At night, alone, I marry the bed.

–Anne Sexton

man alive.

women seriously need to stop GASPING and wagging their marriage cuffed fingers at men who cheat.

yeah, i hear you–on the face of it it aint a very FEMINIST thang to say…and yet.

here’s a news flash circa americana 2008: men have a hard time not sticking their dicks in women who aren’t their primary partners.

HELLO.

like this is the first time anyone’s heard of this?

listen.

i don’t think men should cheat on their wives. it sucks. it hurts. it’s happened to me three different times, more than one husband (oh sue me. so i’m on the liz taylor marriage plan).

but pretending we don’t understand the gender machinations of men putting their dicks in women who are not their primary partners in 2008 is downright ostrich.

DUDETTES.

there is nothing wrong with YOU when they do it. you are gorgeous, you’ve given your best years in the name of love, your body is astonishing mostly because it has history written across it and culture couldn’t survive without it, and you smell really great.

there is nothing wrong with YOU when they do it, even if you’ve got cancer, or your ass has widened into a trailer, or your tits have descended low enough to need a crane, or you can’t stay awake after taking care of your kids long enough to GET IT ON as a fantasy object every night. there is nothing wrong with you if they go for the half your age twat with the mind of tinker bell. there is nothing wrong with you if they take a mid-life pre-viagra detour. there is nothing wrong with you if you are the significant other of the most famous dick in the country, or one of the less shiny but still powerful ones, or a christian one or a con doing time one or a celebrity one or a homeless guy one (one of the sexiest guys i ever met i met when i was homeless…i SWEAR and i mean DANG) or a rich one or a musician one (watch out. watch the fuck out) or a poor one or your high school flame one or your boss or your dad or jesus.

there is nothing wrong with you.

men’s identities are in their dicks.

i’m not saying that in a judgmental sense.

stop acting like you don’t know that.

as they age or begin to lose power or the specialness of boyhood in any way, shape, or form. they put their dicks into what makes them feel special.

which brings me to motherhood.

if you want men to behave differently in the world, inside gender politics, inside the whir and hum of sexuality, stop raising sons who want mommies.

oh and before you get all high and mighty on my ass like all the times i suggested that barack is just a charismatic chocolate jesus thinly veiled as a mamma’s boy, remember this: i have a son. he’s in love with me. i’m actually thinking about what that means. i’m actually trying to rewrite the story.

yesterday i taught him how to make scrambled eggs.

i said this: women aren’t people who take care of you. you know princess leah?

yeah he says.

you know EVE in WALL-E?

yeah he says.

you know the chick in willie wonka and the chocolate factory who kicks ass in martial arts?

yeah he says.

you know that chick at your school who can do more push ups than the guys?

yeah he goes.

you know how in the swimming pool mamma can kick ass on all the lame guys in the lap lanes?

yeah.

you know how the chick in transformers hijacks the truck and saves bumblebee?

yeah.

you know how in aliens sigourney weaver gets in that machine body and fights the alien and saves all the men?

yup.

remember the story i told you about joan of arc.

totally.

remember how we watched the woman who wanted to be president on tv?

here he pauses.

then he goes: but the black guy beat her.

yes, i say, the black guy beat her.

you want out of the politics of the marriage bed? raise different sons, motherfuckers.

xoxo

lidia

August 9, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | 5 Comments